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Chiếc máy kỳ diệu

 

Đồng-chí Nông Đức Mạnh trong chuyến công-du sang "Ôxtrâylia" được mời đến tham-quan trường Đại-học Chế-biến thực-phẩm xem các giáo-sư của nhà trường trình-bày trước cử-tọa một chiếc máy hiện-đại, chỉ cần bỏ một con bò vào đầu này, một lúc sau ở đầu kia chạy ra toàn những xúc-xích. Cử-toạ vỗ tay hoan-hô to quá khiến đồng-chí Tổng Bí-thư nhà ta cảm thấy nóng mặt, cứ xoa mũi cười ruồi mãi.  

 

Trên bục thuyết-trình, vị giáo-sư trông thấy bộ-tịch của Nông, bèn cắc-cớ hỏi:    

 

- Kính thưa quí vị. Hiện-diện trong buổi biểu-diễn hôm nay ngoài các vị khách thường-xuyên của nhà trường, còn có sự hiện-diện vô cùng quí-báu của phái-đoàn đảng CS Việt-nam do ngài Tổng Bí-thư hướng-dẫn. Kính thưa ngài Tổng Bí-thư, theo chỗ chúng tôi đoán, hình như ngài Tổng Bí-thư chưa hài lòng với sản-phẩm của chúng tôi. Nhân dịp này, xin ngài Tổng Bí-thư vui lòng giúp chúng tôi nhìn thấy những khuyết-điểm của chiếc máy để chúng tôi nghiên-cứu biện-pháp cải-tiến, chúng tôi hết sức biết ơn. 

 

Đồng-chí Nông Đức Mạnh ngồi tại chỗ, trả lời: 

 

- Chiếc máy này... Tôi... tôi thấy nó khá hoàn-chỉnh, chỉ e ... hơi lạc hậu!  

 

Đến phiên vị giáo-sư người Úc nóng mặt, hỏi gặn:     

 

- Ngài Tổng Bí-thư cho rằng chiếc máy của chúng tôi đã lạc-hậu, như thế có lẽ ở bên quí quốc đã từng có những loại máy tương-tự như vậy?

 

Máu phéc-lác cố-hữu nổi lên, họ Nông đáp bừa:        

 

- Có... có chứ! Nhưng máy của chúng tôi làm ngược lại, chỉ cần nhét một khúc xúc-xích vô đầu này, đầu kia nhả ra nguyên một ...con bò.         

 

Vị giáo-sư người Úc hỏi tiếp:       

 

- Thế... quí quốc chế-tạo máy đó từ bao giờ?  

 

Họ Nông lúng-túng:- Lâu lắm rồi! Lâu rồi! Chả nhớ năm nào...      

 

Vị giáo-sư:   

 

- Và chính ngài trông thấy tận mắt?      

 

Nông Đức Mạnh:    

 

- Không trông thấy tận mắt nhưng ... ngày khai trương máy ... chính tay cha tôi ... hự... Bác Hồ đã tự tay cầm khúc xúc-xích nhét vào ...         

 

Thấy ông khách quí ngập ngà ngập ngừng, vị giáo-sư giải-nguy:    

 

- Thế xin lỗi, ngài Tổng Bí-thư sinh năm nào?  

 

Họ Nông:      - 1940.         

 

Vị giáo-sư "À!" một tiếng, cầm máy vi-âm giải-thích:  

 

- Kính thưa quí vị, năm nay là 2002, như vậy nước Cộng-hoà xã-hội chủ-nghĩa Việt-nam của ngài Tổng Bí-thư đây đã có chiếc loại máy ngược lại máy này từ 62 năm trước và bản thân... ngài là sản-phẩm đầu-tiên.

 

 

Chuyện mù 

 

Một bà khách đi đường ném tờ giấy bạc giá-trị khá lớn vào lon tiền của một hành-khất mù. Chẳng may gặp lúc cơn gió lùa qua, tờ giấy bay bổng ra khỏi nón, lăn trên vỉa hè. Trước cặp mắt ngạc nhiên của bà khách, người hành-khất lập-tức chồm dậy đuổi theo, tóm tờ giấy bạc, nhét vào túi.

 

Bà khách e dè:       

 

- Thế ra ... ông không mù?         

 

Người hành-khất tháo cặp kính đen xuống, vén áo lau:        

 

- Không, tôi không mù, chỉ thất-nghiệp. Tôi ngồi tạm cho ông bạn mù một buổi.  

 

Bà khách:    

 

- À! Thế ông bạn mù kia đâu rồi?

 

Người hành-khất đeo kính vào, đáp:     

 

- Nó đi xem xi-nê. Hôm nay có phim mới.

 

 

Phép lịch sự

 

Trong một đám cưới, bà khách hỏi một ông được xếp ngồi bên cạnh:       

 

- Dạ, xin ông thứ lỗi, ông là ông ... Lê?  

 

Ông khách gật đầu:

 

- Dạ phải. Tôi là Lê.

 

Bà khách sáng mắt:

 

- Dạ là... Nguyễn Hiến Lê?

 

Ông khách nhã-nhặn:       

 

- Dạ thưa bà, tôi là Nguyễn Hiến Lê.      

 

Bà khách hỏi gặng: 

 

- Dạ ông là nhà văn, tác-giả cuốn "Người lịch-sự"?     

 

Ông khách nghiêng mình: 

 

- Dạ thưa phải. Chính tôi đây. Sao bà hỏi thế? 

 

Bà khách mỉm cười:         

 

- Vì ông đã ăn nốt cả phần tráng miệng của tôi đấy ạ.

 

 

Chôn chim  

 

Tám Tàng nhìn qua hàng rào thấy thằng Út Mập đang hì-hục đào một cái lỗ to-tướng, tò-mò hỏi:   

 

- Trồng cái gì hả cháu?     

 

Thằng Út dừng lại, quệt mồ hôi:  

 

- Dạ không thưa bác. Cháu chôn con chim sẻ đầu đỏ của cháu.     

 

Tám Tàng ngạc nhiên:      

 

- Con chim có chút xíu, sao cháu đào cái lỗ to thế?    

 

Thằng Út phân-trần:         

 

- Dạ tại vì con chim sẻ của cháu nằm trong bụng con mèo mun của bác.

 

 

Nghệ-thuật giặt sạch      

 

Ba Trợn hỏi bạn:    

 

- Ở cái xứ quê mùa nghèo nàn này, nhà không có máy giặt, con vợ mầy phải giặt quần áo bằng tay. Cực khổ như thế mà tao để ý thấy lần nào nó mang quần áo ra giặt, mầy cũng mắng vu-vơ đôi ba câu, là sao?

 

Tư Chơi cười bí-mật:        

 

- Không mắng không được! Phải chọc cho nó nổi sùng, nó mới vò mạnh tay một chút!

 

 

Câu cá        

 

Thấy chồng xách cần chuẩn-bị đi câu, bà Tám dặn với theo:

 

- Ông nhớ câu ở phía hồ Đân-quìu nghe ông? 

 

Ông Tám cười hệch-hạc ra vẻ thông cảm:       

 

- Bà thích ăn cá bông ở đó hả?   

 

Bà Tám giải-thích:  

 

- Hổng phải. Nhưng mà ở đó bán cá rẻ hơn mấy chỗ khác. Câu ở đó ... đỡ tốn.

 

 

Chút xíu mà!         

 

Ba Trợn hỏi chủ quán:      

 

- Nè ông chủ, nếu khách xin ông cục nước đá, ông có tính tiền không?    

 

Chủ quán cười hề hề:       

 

- Tính làm chi á! Có cục nước đá chút xíu mà, tính làm chi! 

 

Ba Trợn:      

 

- Còn như muổng đường?

 

Chủ quán cười:      

 

- Xính xái! Xính xái! Hổng có tính tiền đâu!      

 

Ba Trợn:      

 

- Còn như một miếng chanh?      

 

Chủ quán cãi:         

 

- Ai lại tính tiền miếng chanh? Chút chút mà!   

 

Ba Trợn tươi nét mặt:       

 

- Vậy cho ông tôi mấy thứ đó và cho mượn cái ly nhé.

 

 

Lũ bát đĩa có tội tình gì?

 

Mẹ (bảo con):        

 

- Mày xuống nhà bếp soạn hết đĩa sành, chén mẻ đem lên đây!     

 

Con (hỏi lại):

 

- Mẹ định thay bát đĩa mới hả mẹ?        

 

Mẹ:   

 

- Thì làm đi! Hỏi mãi! Tao sắp cãi nhau với bố mày.

 

 

Kiến thức    

 

Con:  

 

- Bố ơi, sao người ta nói là "kiến thức" mà không nói là "voi thức" hả bố?  

 

Bố (suy-nghĩ):        

 

- À!.. Nói như vậy cho hợp tầm cỡ... và cho nó ... khiêm nhường, con ạ.

 

 

Giá cả đổi thay     

 

Tài-xế xe ôm:         

 

- Dạ tới rồi, cô cho mười lăm ngàn.       

 

Cô gái:         

 

- Hồi nãy anh nói có mười ngàn, sao bây giờ lại lên giá ngang xương dữ vậy?    

 

Tài-xế (chống-chế):

 

- Thì ... mười ngàn là giá xe ôm. Nãy giờ cô hổng có ôm gì hết, nên theo giá không ôm, mười lăm ngàn.

 

 

Tìm vợ        

 

Út Mập hỏi Út Điệu:

 

- Ê! Nghe nói bồ định lấy vợ hả? 

 

Út Điệu thở dài:      

 

- Thì cũng có... Nhưng chắc không xong!        

 

Út Mập:       

 

- Sao lại bi-quan thế? Bồ có đui què mẻ sứt gì đâu. Học-hành tử-tế, mặt mũi dễ coi, cao ráo vừa phải, nghề-nghiệp ngon lành, tánh tình dễ chịu, chỉ phải cái hơi ... điệu một chút...

 

Út Điệu thảm não hơn:     

 

- Cua được năm bảy em, đem về trình-diện bà già để xin ý-kiến. Đứa nào bả cũng chê ỏng chê eo. Cao chê ngỏng, thấp chê lùn, béo chê béo trục béo tròn, gầy chê xương sống xương sườn giơ ra, trắng chê giống cái xác ma, đen chê sao giống cột nhà cháy thiêu...    

 

Út Mập thở dài theo:        

 

- Thảm há! Biết vậy, thà ... mồ côi, sướng hơn!         

 

Út Điệu tâm-sự tiếp:

 

- Rồi tao nghĩ mẹo, kiếm một em có dung-nhan và tính-tình giống hệt như bả. Mụ nội nó! Theo tán em cả mấy tháng trời, tốn không biết bao nhiêu tâm trí, thì giờ, tiền bạc và nước bọt mới dụ được em đến nhà chơi cho bả coi mắt...      

 

Út Mập tò-mò:        

 

- Lại chê nữa chứ gì?       

 

Út Điệu mếu-máo:  

 

- Không phải! Lần này bà già chịu liền, suýt-soa khen con gái nhà ai mà đẹp như tiên, tánh tình hiền dịu hết cỡ, con gái kiểu này tất nhiên là vượng phu ích tử,  giúp chồng con làm nên cơ-nghiệp rỡ-ràng, v.v. và v.v.     

 

Út Mập ngạc-nhiên:

 

- Vậy thì "vô gôn" rồi!       

 

Út Điệu cười méo-mó:      

 

- Cũng tưởng thế, ngờ đâu sau khi bà già chịu rồi, hỏi ý-kiến ông già. Ông già theo dõi câu chuyện nãy giờ, liếc qua con nhỏ một cái rồi nháy tao vào phòng riêng, phùng mang trợn mắt hét (nho-nhỏ): "Mầy mà lấy cái con nhỏ đó, tao vặn cổ mầy từ đàng trước ra sau lưng! Đời tao đau khổ đã nhiều, từ khi gặp …nó trăm điều đắng cay!"

 

 

Văn-hoá đỏ 

 

Trên bảng thông-cáo trước Nhà Hát Lớn Hà-nội, người ta đọc thấy hai tờ giấy dán cạnh nhau, nội-dung như sau:     

 

- Thông cáo 1: Hưởng-ứng kêu gọi giảm biên-chế, kể từ hôm nay chúng tôi sẽ thay thế vở "Alibaba và 40 tên cướp" bằng vở "Alibaba và 10 tên cướp."

 

- Thông-cáo 2: Hưởng-ứng vận-động nếp sống văn-hoá lành mạnh, kể từ hôm nay chúng tôi sẽ thay-thế vở "Bạch Tuyết và 7 chú lùn" bằng vở "Bạch Tuyết và chú lùn."

 

 

 

 

 

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